


One Year

by Koneko713



Series: Modern AU [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Sibling Incest, Slow Build, sexual relationship between minors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 04:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1674872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koneko713/pseuds/Koneko713
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adolescence is hard to deal with under the best circumstances.  Add in attraction to your brother and neither Fili nor Kili is handling it well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. August

**Author's Note:**

> FUTURE WARNINGS TO BE ADDED TO THE TAGS AS THEY CROP UP.  
> Will include eating disorder, self harm, suicidal ideations, and anxiety/panic attacks. Yes, it's a bit whump-y, but I'm trying my best not to overdo it.  
> This is a prequel to my fic for the holiday gift exchange, [Christmas Dinner](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1113377), that somehow morphed into its own giant 'verse.  
> It takes a while for Fili and Kili to settle into a comfortable, healthy relationship but they do eventually get there. This is a 12 part fic covering the year during high school that was the tipping point in their lives that pushed them together. There will be more fics set in this series, but the others will be one-shots and holiday fics for the most part.  
> This one will update every week on Thursday afternoon (pending suggestions of a better time to update).

Fili was seated at the kitchen table, pressing the heels of his hands into his temples as he stared down the book laid open before him.  Once again, leaving his summer reading until the week before school started had proved to be one of his worst ideas ever. He gestured in the air with his pencil, mentally scribbling away at the essay problem, so deep in thought that he barely noticed when Kili flung himself into the seat across the table.

He was trying to be subtle, but Kili had never been good at hiding it when he wanted something.  Fili didn’t look up fast enough for him, and within seconds he had Kili’s feet creeping onto his chair.  “What do you need, Kili?” he asked, not looking up from the novel but reaching down to brush Kili’s toes away from his thigh in a gesture that he hoped conveyed fraternal annoyance and absolutely no discomfort.

Kili made a face at him, and pulled his foot back.  “I don’t _need_ anything Fili.  I’m just sitting here.”

The elder made a noncommittal grunting noise, going back to waving his pencil. Now, however he was mentally counting up the seconds of silence, keeping time with the writing utensil.

He hadn’t even made it to ten before Kili was shifting in his seat again, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hands. “I have a date tomorrow,” he said, glee evident in every syllable.

Fili’s blood ran white hot and then cold, and a lump of some emotion he couldn’t even begin to name formed heavy in his chest.  “Don’t expect me to drive you, squirt. I have plans tomorrow.” He turned the page of the book, eyes running blindly over the text as he clenched one hand under the table. _Whatever the hell is wrong with you, don’t show it._

“I don’t _need_ you to drive me Fili. I’m not twelve.” Kili pouted at him and kicked at his shins, sock-cushioned impacts light and pattering.  “He has a car, and he’s going to pick me up at six for dinner and a movie.”

The clatter of his pencil hitting the floor was deafening in the sudden silence.  “ _He_?!  I…he can drive? How old is he? Kili, who is this person?!” _He_? That was…unexpected to say the least.

He knew immediately that he’d said the very wrong thing. Kili stood up sharply, face impassive. “’This person’ is David. You know, my best friend for the last two years?  Yes, he’s a boy. And yes, he’s a year older than me. Will you please just be happy for me?  Please?”

His voice broke on the last word, and he looked away hurriedly. He wasn’t quite fast enough, and Fili caught a glimpse of chocolate eyes welling with tears.  For a moment the other emotions warring inside him were almost completely swept away by a wave of guilt.  “Sorry, Kili,” he murmured, getting up and trotting around the table to stand in front of his brother.  “I am happy for you.  Really, I am. I just have to be the big brother and threaten to break his face if he does anything to hurt you. You understand that, right?”

Kili’s glare softened minutely.  “I know. I was kinda hoping this could just happen and no one would be all weird about it, yeah?  I haven’t told mom it’s a date or anything. It felt like it wouldn’t be right not to tell you first.”

A burst of warmth flared through his veins now, and he resisted the urge to wrap Kili in a hug and squeeze him tight.  “Thanks, Kee,” he whispered.  “Thanks for telling me first.”  The mood was entirely too serious, Kili’s proximity and the light in those brown eyes beating against his resolve, and Fili forced a smile and punched his brother’s arm lightly.  “And you know that even though you smell weird and your hair is gross, you’ll always be my baby brother, and I love you.  No matter who you date.”  His throat closed on the familiar phrase, just like every time he said it like this, with Kili not knowing how true those words were.

Kili scoffed at him, tugging at his own long ponytail. “It is not gross! And I’m fifteen! I’m nobody’s baby anything.”

“I’m seventeen, you’re a baby to me.”

The bright, relaxed laugh Kili let out was worth the world, and Fili would give anything to hear it every single day for the rest of his life. “Fine, be that way. Crotchety old man,” the younger said, grabbing at Fili’s arms and grappling with him as both tried to force the other into a headlock.  Fili, still taller by all of three quarters of an inch, eventually won and noogie-d him into submission.

“Now get out and go do your homework.  Baby,” he laughed, releasing Kili when the brunet squeaked and giving him a shove toward the stairs to the upper floor.

“Don’t—oh whatever,” Kili whined, rolling his eyes before he turned to tromp up the stairs.  Fili laughed as he went back to his seat, pretending not to hear the murmured “I love you too, Fee,” just before Kili passed out of sight.  He waited until he heard Kili’s bedroom door shut before folding his arms on the table and burying his face in them.

He knew Kili didn’t mean those words the way he did, and Kili never would. And that was a good thing. Kili was perfect, innocent, beautiful. Not a fuck-up like his big brother.

It took a moment, and the pain of fingernails digging into his own palm before Fili could collect himself enough to start on his still-unfinished homework again.

Kili would never love him, and that was the way it should be.

***

But of course, because he apparently used up all of his self-control on the important things and left none for the minor behaviors that he knew really had to stop, the next evening saw Fili lurking by the front window, counting the seconds until Kili’s ten-thirty curfew.  His parents were watching TV in the living room, exchanging a knowing smile when he commented offhand that he preferred reading by the open window, since it was cooler.  He was discovering why, as a hot breeze ruffled his hair and turned the pages of his book.

The good thing was that Kili was due back in two minutes, and Fili knew from experience that his parents could come down hard for curfew violations. There was no way Kili would risk that wrath…

Right on time, a car pulled into the driveway.  Fili closed his book, narrowing his eyes at the Honda. It wasn’t the same model as his crappy old Accord, but it was close.  David didn’t even have the decency to drive a flashy or shitty or otherwise offense-worthy car!  Fili wrinkled his nose at himself, looking back down at _The Scarlet Letter_ and trying to concentrate.

David walked Kili up to the door, and they spent a moment out there talking. Fili eyed them in his peripheral vision, pretending to be completely engrossed in the novel.

David was well enough, he supposed.  He should probably be flattered that Kili chose someone who looked a little like him.  Blond curls, tighter than Fili’s own, and light hazel eyes above a nose that was just a little too large. Not that he could really talk. Fili rubbed his own nose disconsolately, hurriedly dropping his hand to the page when he caught himself at it.

Then the book tumbled unheeded off his lap, for Kili had just reached up and with an impish smile pulled David in for a kiss.

Fili had never hated another human being as much as he hated both of them in that moment.

And in the next second all of it drained away, leaving nothing but sadness and bone-deep exhaustion.  What had he really expected?  Kili was happy, that’s what mattered.  There had never been a chance of well…whatever it was he wanted happening.  He didn’t even know _what_ it was he wanted.

A single glance at the couple on the porch, now stepped apart and talking again, Kili with a small smile playing about his lips, then Fili heaved himself out of the front room armchair and headed for the stairs. The last thing he needed was to still be awake when Kili got in.

He was out of luck.  He was halfway up when the door opened and shut, hard enough to rattle the window in its frame.  “Fili, you won’t believe this—“

Kili stopped midsentence when Fili turned to face him. The brunet’s expression went from flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes to concern in the space of a second. “Fee, you okay?”

“Of course I’m okay.  Why wouldn’t I be?” he asked, trying to force a smile and entirely aware of the weird face he pulled in the attempt.

Kili’s eyes narrowed, and he started up the stairs.  “Fili, whatever is bothering you, you can tell m—“

“No!” Fili snapped.  At his tone his brother backed down a step, opening his mouth and closing it helplessly. Fili scrubbed a hand over his eyes, turning away to hide his face from Kili.  “No, not this time, Kee.  I need to go to sleep.  You can tell me about your date tomorrow, okay?”

It took a moment, but eventually he got a quiet “’k,” from his brother, and he continued up the stairs and into his room without looking back once. He hated it when Kili made that face, the sad face, and he knew that _Kili_ knew to use it to his advantage.  So he didn’t look around until he’d shut his door firmly, vaguely wishing he had a lock.

No, Kili wouldn’t bother to come in.  He was in too good of a mood to want to deal with his brother, who was upset for no real reason.  Fili looked around, fists clenched, and grabbed a glass from his bedside table. He wanted to throw it, watch it shatter, hear it break…he sighed, instead taking it into the adjoining bathroom to fill it with water, and setting it back in its place.

Unable to settle into reading anything, or even any of the music on his iPod, Fili eventually flopped over on top of his blankets in his clothes, listening to the sound of his own breaths until he slowly drifted off to sleep. He didn’t hear the door open about an hour later, Kili’s voice whispering his name, or the near inaudible sigh as his brother left.


	2. September

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTIONS OF ABUSE (not by or against any of the characters)

Fili couldn’t pinpoint when he realized he was attracted to his little brother.  There was no gut-wrenching moment of realization, he didn’t wake up one morning and just know.  He was just over two years older than Kili, and hadn’t thought much about what he found attractive until he was about fifteen.  Then Kili had changed, apparently overnight, his voice cracking and deepening and he sprouted up six inches over a summer.

Fili was a teenage boy with about an average sex drive; he’d masturbated quite a bit since he’d hit puberty. When he was younger his fantasies hadn’t really had a visual component to them, he just liked how it felt.

Then Kili started to grow up, and suddenly his mind was filled with images of dark hair, chocolate eyes, long fingers calloused from archery practice throughout junior high. At first he tried to ignore them, the thoughts he _knew_ centered around Kili, around his brother’s hands and body and mouth.  He pretended they were about someone else—a girl, possibly. Then he tried not touching himself at all, when he found that especially near climax he couldn’t keep his thoughts from taking bad directions.  That worked for a couple of months, until the dreams started.  He had less control over those than he did over his waking mind. And when his mother caught him bundling sticky shameful pajamas into the washing machine and gave him a long, mortifying lecture about how his body was only doing what was natural, he almost cried.

It wasn’t just a sexual attraction either.  Oh no, even more potent than the desire was the longing for closeness, for kisses and the press of a warm body against him in his bed and holding hands in the car.  He loved just being around Kili, and was more at ease with his brother than anyone else.

Two years of this went on, two years of him swinging wildly between embarrassing searches on the Internet and then periods of cold showers and self-denial.  The times when he tried to fight it by distracting himself allowed him to find out two things.  First, he couldn’t rouse more than an aesthetic interest in anyone but his brother. Then, curious (and now that a friend had shown him how to erase his internet history) he started searching other things.  He wasn’t about to type in ‘what to do if you’re in love with your younger brother,’ but more cautious and generalized searches were more than enough to make him sick to his stomach.

Evidently, most incestuous relationships were the result of abuse, perpetrated by a parent or older sibling. They usually used emotional manipulation or physical threats to coerce the younger person into it.

Fili closed that window quickly, but couldn’t shut it out of his mind that easily, and he never could forget it.  He would never do that to Kili. Not ever.  He loved him more than that.  Didn’t he?

***

Six months after that particular nauseating discovery, and Fili’s self control had held. He was fairly certain Kili hadn’t the slightest clue that his older brother had feelings for him. That was something you mentioned if you picked up on it, right?  Or perhaps not.  Maybe Kili had read the same things he had and was trying to pretend he didn’t know, hoping not to encourage him?  Whatever was going through his little brother’s head, he kept it to himself, unless it involved David.

Fili was getting very, very tired of hearing about David.

He’d avoided talking to Kili for about a week after that first date, getting up long before his night owl brother and making it out the door before Kili had even staggered down the stairs. Fili spent most of his time at friends’ houses, blowing up aliens on their video game consoles. If any of them wondered why he was avoiding his family for the last few days of break, none of them commented.

Kili picked up on the fact that he was being avoided almost instantly.  On the rare occasions that Fili couldn’t avoid him, such as at family dinner, he was quiet and subdued.  Fili didn’t think their parents knew that he could see the worried looks they exchanged when Kili wasn’t looking.  However, as he’d expected, it was only a few days after his conversation with Fili that Kili came out to their parents, and their wholehearted support did wonders to bring back his usual carefree attitude.

Of course, when school started the day after Labor Day weekend, he couldn’t avoid periods of time alone with Kili, since he had to drive his brother to and from high school this year. And Kili was entirely capable of rambling about his boyfriend for the full twenty minutes of the drive.

“David says he likes my hair, but I’ve been thinking I might cut it soon.  What do you think?  I mean, David always looks so good, so listening to him can’t be so bad.  David offered to come help me with my trig homework tonight, isn’t it great?” Fili made a mental note not to be home tonight, “He knows about so many different things, and he’s really good at all of his classes. He might take calculus next year, and he’ll only be a junior!”

_I took calculus my junior year,_ Fili thought, though he didn’t actually say it out loud. He spent the drives in stony silence, telling himself that he absolutely was _not_ jealous. Still, he couldn’t keep himself from gripping the steering wheel hard enough that his knuckles went white.

***

Fili’s torment didn’t go on for very long at all.  The first Monday of the semester, Kili was late coming out from school.  Fili sat on the hood of his car for twenty minutes, mindlessly swiping through apps on his phone, then lay back and stared at the lazy puffs of clouds.  Where was his little brother?  Kili knew he liked to get out of there fairly fast, away from the crowds and noise of the high school.

He was just preparing to send an angry text when the car beneath him shuddered, and he lurched to his feet in surprise.  Kili had just flung his backpack onto the closed trunk and was glaring at him, bangs falling forward into his eyes.  “Open the car,” he snapped, voice cracking in the middle.  Fili was too startled to do anything but obey, unlocking the driver’s side door and reaching in to pop the trunk.

The hollow thump shook the entire car when Kili flung his bag in and slammed the trunk harder than necessary. “Hey!” Fili yelled over his shoulder, annoyed at the abuse to his poor car.  As Kili climbed into the passenger seat he looked his older brother straight in the eye—and slammed the door hard enough to set the sedan rocking on its wheels.

Fili jabbed a finger at him, narrowly missing his arm as Kili yanked the seatbelt around his body to buckle it. “Watch it,” he growled. “I don’t care what happened today, if you hurt my car one more time you’re _walking_ home, got it?”

Kili rolled his eyes and kicked his legs up onto the dashboard, slouching in his seat, not deigning to respond. His bad mood was infectious and Fili grumbled to himself as he started the car.  The drive home was long and silent, the echoes of Kili’s music from his headphones the only sound.  Fili considered telling him to turn it down but thought better of it when he saw the glare Kili was aiming out the window.

It was when they finally arrived home, wending their way up the long wooded drive to the house, that he couldn’t take it anymore.  Kili took his feet off the dash, but not without giving it a good kick first, and that was _it._   Fili slammed on the brakes, wincing at the little ‘oof’ as Kili lurched forward into his seatbelt.  He twisted the key, shutting down the engine, and flipped the child lock just as the younger tried to make a break for it.

“Why are you acting like such a brat?” he demanded, scowling at his brother as Kili tugged at the door handle.

Kili matched the expression with a glare of his own, angular features making it much more threatening. Fili hadn’t had the full force of Kili’s anger turned on him in a long time, and he refused to show that it was actually a fairly frightening experience.  The silence stretched on for almost a minute, and Fili was starting to wonder if he was going to have to give in to his brother’s stubbornness this time. At last Kili heaved a sigh, and spoke.

“I broke up with David today,” he mumbled, looking away and down.

Fili blinked. Part of him was crowing victory, yes, but it was so unexpected and Kili looked so dejected…”Why?” was all he could think of to say.  “I thought you really liked him.”

“I do,” Kili growled, looking out the window again.  “Julia told me that he was going to break up with me on Friday.  Apparently he’s ‘confused about his sexuality,’ even though _he_ asked me out in the first place. And he couldn’t have had the decency to tell me this himself, I had to find out from Julia.  Oh, yeah, and he decided to wait until Friday to break up with me because he didn’t want it to be awkward, seeing me at school all week.”

Fili groaned aloud, trying his best to look sympathetic and not like he wanted to turn the car around, drive back to the school, and throttle the little shit who had dared to hurt his brother.  “I guess you can’t really blame him for being confused, Kee,” he said, far more reasonably than he felt.

Kili let out a hollow-sounding laugh. “No, I can’t, but I sure as hell can blame him for thanking me when I broke up with him.  He hugged me and fucking _thanked_ me.”

“Yeah, that was definitely a dick move,” Fili agreed with a wince.  “Don’t pay any attention to it, Kee, you didn’t deserve this.”

Kili shrugged, not acknowledging that statement either way, and Fili nudged him with an elbow. “Just, no more abusing my car,” he said, restarting the engine.  “And Kee?” He waited for Kili’s brown eyes to turn to him before continuing.  “If you need anything from me, all you have to do is ask.”

Kili nodded, slumping in his seat as they coasted up the rest of the drive to the garage.  When they reached the house he gave an inarticulate grunt in response to their mother’s greeting and stomped upstairs, leaving Fili to explain his strange behavior.  The elder hung around the bottom of the stairs, waiting for the inevitable call when Kili got tired of sulking alone and wanted his brother’s company.

It never came. When their father arrived home and knocked on Kili’s door to offer his own consolations the only response was a muffled “Go away!”  The call to dinner went ignored, by this time leaving Fili frantic with worry.  Kili didn’t ever miss meals if he could help it, and he’d never shut Fili out before.

Finally at about nine o’clock his patience ran out.  He informed their parents what he intended to do to get Kili out of his funk and made a call.  Half an hour later he made his way upstairs, down the hall to Kili’s room, and tentatively knocked.

He got no answer, but the door wasn’t latched all the way and swung open at his touch. Kili was curled on his bed, facing away from the door, frizzing hair silhouetted against the light from his smart phone.  Fili paused in the doorway, hating seeing his rambunctious, beautiful brother curled up so small and helpless looking.  Finally Kili rolled over, turning baleful eyes on him.

“What do you want, Fili?” he asked quietly.

“Nothing,” Fili said, wandering in and seating himself on the edge of his bed.  “It’s just that I ordered pizza and they completely fucked up my order.”

Kili flung himself back over onto his side violently.  “I don’t want to listen to you whine about something like pizza.”

The elder snorted, prodding him in the back until he grunted and swatted at his hand.  “I didn’t want to whine, I just wanted to tell you that they gave me sausage, mushroom, and olive and I can’t even stand to look at it. You should come help me out.”

Kili looked over his shoulder with one suspiciously narrowed eye.  “Yeah, they fucked up your order, huh?  You _hate_ mushroom, sausage, and olive pizza.”

“And I told them specifically to leave all those things off and they apparently misheard me,” Fili said cheerfully, poking him again.  “C’mon, get out of bed.”

Kili moaned as he rolled over, and Fili was horrified to see tearstains on his cheeks and watery brown eyes. “David is dating someone else.”

Fili’s heart dropped into his stomach.  “What? How do you know?”

Kili wordlessly tossed his phone over.  Fili caught it and turned it over to read the lighted screen.  It was David’s Facebook page, and sure enough the boy’s profile picture showed him with his arm around a pretty girl, dark haired and dark eyed, both of them smiling giddily.  Just under it was his personal information, including ‘in a relationship with Julia Daniels’. “Is this the same Julia who told you that he was going to break up with you?” he asked.  Kili nodded silently.

“What little assholes,” he muttered, going to hand the phone back before thinking better of it and pocketing it.  “You can have it back after you eat,” he said sternly when Kili opened his mouth to protest.

The brunet slouched, face closing off again.  “I don’t want to eat,” he muttered, shooting a disgusted look towards the door as if the pizza itself had somehow offended him.  Fili scooted over to press into his side, feeling small tremors running through the other’s body.

“Why?” Kili asked, quiet and weak-sounding.  Fili wasn’t entirely sure what he was asking about.  Why were his friends so incomprehensibly hateful?  Why had he been lied to?  Why was he shaking harder even as he turned into the comfort that his older brother offered? Fili didn’t know the answer to any of those questions, so he just stroked one hand up and down Kili’s back. “Don’t think too much about it,” he whispered.  “I knew he wasn’t good enough for you anyway.”

That earned him a watery chuckle, and Kili pulled away to watch his face.  “Really?” he asked, quiet and hopeful.

“Really,” Fili confirmed, giving in to temptation to reach up and brush long bangs away from brown eyes. “You deserve someone amazing.”

Kili’s eyes narrowed and his gaze flickered over Fili’s face.  “You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re my brother.”

Fili smirked. “Nah, what I’m supposed to say as your brother is that you’re funny looking and annoying but I love you anyway. I’m just giving you my honest opinion here.”  He studied Kili’s face, and gave a firm nod.  “You’re amazing. You’re happy and strong and handsome and wonderful and you deserve someone who’s just as wonderful as you are.”

Kili gave a slow nod, apparently considering.  His gaze flickered, away and down and back up, as if he were considering something and Fili hadn’t the faintest idea what it might have been.

“Fili, would you…do you really think…?” Kili trailed off, apparently unable to complete his thoughts and instead leaning in, lips just slightly parted, and he must have been holding his breath because he was so _close_ and yet there was only the slightest brush of air over Fili’s mouth as he tilted his head to allow for his nose and—

He realized what was happening a split second before it would have been too late to prevent it, turning his head to the side so just the corner of Kili’s mouth brushed his lips. It wasn’t full contact but more than enough to set his heart racing.  His hand shot up as Kili started to pull away, cupping the back of his head and forcing him down against the elder’s shoulder.

“Fili?” Kili whispered, wriggling against his hold.

“No,” Fili told him, unsure what exactly he was denying.  That he was about to kiss his little brother?  If so it was pointless, it was completely obvious what had almost happened. He had almost forced Kili to—and now his brother squirmed out of his grip at last though he didn’t go far. He stayed within a few inches, sharp short breaths against Fili’s cheek.

“Fili, I’m sorry, I should have asked.  Will you…I mean you don’t have to, I just wanted to—“ Fili shook his head.  Too close too tempting too innocent, he wanted to bear down to press Kili into the mattress and kiss him breathless and tell him over and over how wonderful he was and how he deserved so much better than assholes like David or sick perverts like his older brother.

Kili’s brows furrowed in concern, and he reached out, long fingers trailing lightly over Fili’s face, hovering just over his skin but not daring to touch.  “Fili, please,” he murmured, then the fingers made contact, gently turning the elder’s head to face him, just inches away—

“No!” Fili yelped, panic propelling him off the bed and out of Kili’s grasp.  The younger lost his balance as the support at his side wrenched away, flailing to keep from going face-first into the blankets.  He sat up slowly, scowling at his brother from under his mussed hair.

“Sorry,” he said coldly. “I should have known you didn’t mean what I thought you did.  I won’t make that mistake again.  Now go away.”

He turned over to face the wall, back stiff.  Fili stared at him, not sure what to do, or where he’d gone wrong.  _It’d be worse if you’d kissed him,_ he told himself fiercely.  “Kili, do you want—“

“No!”

“I don’t know wha—“

“Go away.”

“Kee—“

“I said go away!” Defeated he laid a gentle hand on Kili’s shoulder, all the contact he felt he could be allowed, dodged the blind blow that was aimed at him, and left, trotting downstairs.

He completely forgot that he’d confiscated Kili’s phone until he felt it in his pocket as he changed into his pajamas.  He stared at it for long moments before he left it on his bookshelf.  He was tempted to use it to text David exactly what he thought of him, but changed his mind.  Kili wouldn’t thank him for being immature and vindictive.

***

The next morning Kili bounded down the stairs, stubbornly cheerful in the face of their mother’s concern. Fili pretended he didn’t notice how carefully his brother avoided eye contact or how Kili’s fingers shook as he poured himself a glass of juice.  It was several days before they managed to say more than a few strained words to each other in the car, and longer still before Kili would so much as touch his shoulder, and Fili tried to swallow down sick guilt in his throat when a week or so later Kili went to hug him and then turned quickly away.


	3. October

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I'd update this every week, but then work and writers block happened. I'm still planning to finish it and working on the upcoming chapters.

Two weeks went by in that state, neither of them quite comfortable with the other.  Fili tried a few times to make conversation in the car, but the strained answers to his questions left both of them flushed and awkward, and he gave up on that fairly quickly.

He didn’t see much of his brother on an average school day. Kili was a sophomore, and had only started attending the same school as the elder last year. By that time Fili had his own friends that he spent lunch and free periods with, and gregarious Kili hadn’t taken long at all to find his own social circle.  Fili usually sat with a group of mainly other boys at a table against the brick wall of the gym.  As the weather grew colder they would eventually move into the library for their lunch period, but an unseasonable warm spell saw them still outside basking in the sunlight in mid October.

They weren’t the only ones to take advantage, either. Several seniors had started a shirts vs. skins football game in the courtyard, and a large group of mingled boys and girls sprawled under the decorative plum trees that shaded the drive across the high school campus.  Kili was somewhere over there, probably stretched out in a patch of sunlight. As for Fili, he was seated in the small patch of shadow cast by the building, his legs extended into the sun to soak up as much heat as possible without risking a burn in the weak light.

His best friend Adam was beside him, telling a loud story about something that had happened at his after-school job.  Fili wasn’t following much, given that at least three other people were talking at the same time, and most of his concentration was on his burger and fries. That is, until someone squished their way into the gap between him and Adam and helped herself to his tray.

“Don’t you have your own food, Tauriel?” he sighed, scooting into Luke on his other side to make room.

Her red hair cascaded over her shoulders as she shook her head, appropriating his ketchup and dipping three fries in it at once.  “I finished mine.  And you still have some that you aren’t going to eat, so you can let me have a few fries.”

Fili sighed, snagging his half-eaten burger off his tray before shoving it toward her.  With her crazy metabolism she needed all the food she could get.  “Doesn’t Kili have food you could steal?”

While she and Kili had drifted apart recently, Tauriel had been his brother’s best friend since preschool, despite the fact that she was in the next grade up from him.  She and Fili had never gotten along as well, but they were united by affection for Kili and near-constant proximity, and Fili had kept an eye on her when she started high school the year after he did.  Still, he wasn’t entirely sure why she was scavenging off of him when she must have had more willing victims.

“Kili didn’t get lunch today,” Tauriel shrugged, munching away, and Fili glanced up in surprise.  Tauriel didn’t look at him, but he could see a tiny amount of tension at the corners of her lips as her gaze flickered toward the trees.

“Why…why didn’t Kili get lunch, Tauriel?” Fili asked slowly, and now her attention snapped back to him.

“He’s only been getting lunch every two or three days since he broke up with David,” she said, tone no longer light.  “He spends all his time with Julia, usually behind B building. They’re very pet-y. It’s gross.”

Completely thrown by this revelation, Fili very carefully set the last couple bites of his burger down where his tray _used_ to be.  Luke stopped talking and nudged him.  “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m f-fine,” Fili forced out, wincing and biting down on his tongue a moment later.  He hadn’t stuttered since he was a shy kindergartner!  He swallowed and tried again.  “I’m fine. Just a bit surprised.”

There was a snort from Tauriel and he turned to scowl at her as he cleaned up his now inedible food and dropped it back on the tray.  “I am annoyed, though.  Is this the same Julia who told him that David was planning to break up with him?”

“I assume so.  She was dating David for about a week after he and Kili broke up.”  Tauriel hesitated, glancing from Fili toward B building and then staring determinedly at her own feet.  “I’d rather talk to you about it later, though.”

Fili did _not_ want to drop this until later, and part of him wanted to march over to where Kili was hiding and demand to know what exactly he thought he was doing.  But it was all overwhelming, a sick feeling rising in his gut and making his hands tremble.  He wasn’t sure what was going on but he felt dizzy and detached, barely noticing when Tauriel got up and left.  Adam and Luke both went back to their conversations, but kept stealing glances at him out of the corner of their eyes.  It seemed like an eternity before the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.

***

Sixth period usually wasn’t stressful, as he was an aid in the library for the hour. And today it was nothing but pasting plastic covers to the flimsy paperback books.  Measure, cut, fold, press, repeat.  The rhythm was soothing and his heart rate had slowed down quite a bit before math.

Halfway through his last class of the day his phone buzzed gently in his pocket. With a surreptitious glance at the teacher, who was scribbling away at a graph on the whiteboard, he dug out his phone and gently pressed the lock button.

It was a text from Kili. –not leaving after school. archery practice—

Well, at least he wouldn’t have to face his brother.  In fact, he probably could avoid Kili until the ride the next morning, when the younger would be too sleepy to say much. He let out a silent sigh of relief as he wormed his phone back into his pocket with a minimum of movement and threw himself back into his notes with considerably more enthusiasm.

He did see Kili after the final bell rang, catching sight of his brother’s distinctive dark ponytail slipping between the shoulders of a couple of seniors. He glanced over his shoulder once, eyes sweeping over the hallway and Fili without pause, before he disappeared from sight. Fili frowned after him. Kili was heading for the east doors, and he was fairly sure the archery range was on the west end of campus. But then, Fili hadn’t been out there before, since all the shoots had been at city rec centers instead of at the school.  Finally he shrugged and headed the opposite way, wending between students towards his locker.

Any hope of a peaceful drive home was dashed when he got out to his car and found Tauriel seated on the hood.  “When you said you’d talk to me later I thought you meant you’d call or something,” he muttered, flinging his bag into the trunk.

She shrugged.  “I’m meeting a friend at Starbucks and my parents won’t drive me.  I can walk home later.  Please?”

Fili sighed, climbing into the driver’s side and leaning across to bump open the other door.  “Why can’t you get a ride home and then walk to Starbucks?”

“Because I needed to talk to you.”  She pulled at her seatbelt, accidentally locked it up, and muttered as she wrestled with it before speaking out loud again.  “I’m worried about Kili.”

Fili bit his lip, pausing as he glanced over his shoulder before backing up. He’d known Kili had been acting strange lately, but he’d thought it was probably because the younger was uncomfortable around him.  Had it gotten so bad that other people had noticed it?

The momentary expression did not go unnoticed, and Tauriel frowned at him. “If you’re fighting with him, quit it. He’s never been this weird before and it’s really freaking me out.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with him,” Fili protested, stopping a bit too hard at the stop sign outside the school parking lot. “He won’t talk to me at all.”

She sighed, kicking a foot up onto her knee and picking at her shoe. “I was hoping it was something simple, like you two got into an argument or something.  I know _something’s_ happened between you, both of you are really obvious about it.”

“Nothing happened,” Fili said, perhaps a bit too hastily, and Tauriel raised one eyebrow at him.  “It didn’t! I…I don’t know what’s going on with him. He won’t talk to me either.”

Tauriel pursed her lips and stared intently out the windshield. “That probably explains at least some of it.  Since when are you guys not speaking?”

“Since Kili decided we weren’t.  Why are you so bothered about it?” Fili snapped.

She scowled.  “Because I care about your brother.  And you. And I can tell neither of you are happy so I want to help if I can.”

Fili glanced at her before turning back to the road, already feeling bad about his outburst, but not ready to apologize just yet.  “I’ll let you know,” he said grudgingly.  “I’m not even sure what to do myself.” 

That got him a shrug and Tauriel turned to stare out the window instead. Neither spoke until they pulled up outside the local Starbucks, which at this time was beginning to overflow with other students.  Tauriel jabbed her thumb at the release button of her seatbelt, sitting up eagerly in her seat and ignoring the annoyed pinging from the car.  Fili followed her gaze to a boy seated at an outdoor table. He was unfamiliar, meaning he probably didn’t attend their school, and had long light blond hair pulled back into a braid at the nape of his neck.

“Are you skipping out on the first archery practice of the year to hang out with a guy?” Fili asked, suddenly remembering why it seemed so wrong that Tauriel had come with him but not Kili.

She shot him a disgusted look.  “No. Archery started two weeks ago, and there’s no practice today.”

And then she was gone, slamming the door behind herself before he could call her back.

***

He didn’t consciously mean to confront Kili that night, but he didn’t exactly try to avoid his brother either.  When Kili arrived home just before dinner, a wide smile apparently fixed to his face, Fili was sitting on the stairs beside the door.  He didn’t do more than glance up from his ipod when the door opened, but he didn’t miss the way the light in Kili’s eyes flickered when the younger spotted him.  Apparently his attempted disinterest was convincing, and Kili started to slink toward the hallway, shoulders noticeably lowered as he tried not to attract attention.

He’d almost reached safety when Fili spoke.  “So, how was archery?” the blond said, trying and failing to sound casual.  He had always been hyperaware of the nuances of his brother’s behavior, usually picking up on things long before their parents or friends did.  But no one could have missed what Kili’s flinch and resigned sigh meant.

“You knew I wasn’t going to archery?” he muttered, turning around and climbing the stairs until he stood on the same step where Fili had rested his feet.

Fili scowled up at him.  “Well, I didn’t until Tauriel told me,” he growled.  “Since you apparently weren’t going to bother.”

“It’s none of your business!” Kili’s voice started to rise in anger before he cut himself off, eyes flickering toward the kitchen and their parents.

“Since when?” Fili whispered heatedly.  “Since when do you drop out of archery and not tell me? Since when do you keep secrets from me?”

“Since it’s none of your business!” Kili repeated, and without meaning to Fili found himself standing so he could meet his brother’s gaze at the same level. He refused to back up and give ground, so they ended up precariously balanced on the same stair.

“If you were spending time with Julia you could tell me that! I don’t care what you were doing after school today, I’m mad that you lied to me!”  He knew from the way Kili’s gaze flickered and his brother backed down a step that his guess had been right.

For a split second Kili looked shocked, and he didn’t seem to think before he spoke.  “How did you—never mind. It doesn’t matter how you know that. But it’s still not your business who I spend time with!”

“That’s not the problem!”  Fili’s own voice started to increase in volume before he lowered it again. “I told you, the problem is that you lied to me!  You lied to me because you knew I wouldn’t like you hanging out with her, is that it?”

He knew he shouldn’t have said that.  Kili’s face hardened instantly, and he leaned forward with a bright dangerous gleam in his eyes to hiss, “Are you _jealous?_ ”

“I have no reason to be jealous,” Fili snarled, angry and hurt. “I have every reason to be concerned! You’re dating the girl who was going out with your ex-boyfriend two weeks ago!  I don’t know what is going on with you three but I worry about you. I don’t want her to hurt you like David did. I don’t think you’ve thought this through—“

Kili interrupted him, fists clenched, face red with the effort of not shouting. “It doesn’t matter whether I’ve thought this through or not!  It’s my life, not yours!  And at least Julia doesn’t lie to me about how she feels about me.”  He spat the last part like it was a personal insult, with enough venom that Fili finally gave and stepped back and up.

“W-what are you—I didn’t—“ he stammered, unable to speak past that horrible stutter until he’d taken a breath to calm himself.  “What are you talking about?”

Kili gave a loud inelegant snort, finally giving in to the urge to yell. “I’m _talking_ about what you said two weeks ago and then tried to pretend didn’t mean anything!  And I’m tired of you acting like you’re the only one who can keep secrets!  Get out of my way.”

Before Fili could react Kili sidestepped around him on the stairs, shoving him none-too-gently into the wall before stomping up to his room and slamming the door. Fili followed when he heard the concerned voices of his parents progress from the kitchen to the hallway.

Once safely inside his room with the door shut he paced like a caged lion, hands clenching and unclenching as he ground his teeth against his anger. He’d never lied to his brother! Kept secrets, yes, and that almost made him angrier, knowing that Kili had a point.  But that didn’t give Kili the right to outright lie to him!

He spotted a light bulb in the small trashcan beside his bedside table, and with a sudden violent fury he plucked it out and hurled it as hard as he could into the adjoining bathroom, delighting in the loud smash as the fragile glass hit the tiled floor.  For several minutes he continued his pacing, unsatisfied, but there was nothing else he could smash that he wouldn’t need later.

Finally his anger drained, to be replaced with a trembling he couldn’t seem to stop. He picked his way into the bathroom carefully in his socks, stepping gingerly as he swept up the fragments of broken glass and threw them away.

He could still hear Kili stomping around his own bedroom when he collapsed onto his bed and burrowed under his blankets, stubbornly refusing to let any tears leak out.


End file.
